Kingdom Hearts: The Shutup and Sitdown Version
by PathlessOrphan9
Summary: This is how Kingdom Harts really went down. From the point-of-view of Sora, he'll tell you what really happened and why. Authors note*: the chapters will get longer, just be patient and wait for big black bob.
1. Epilogue

If we were to describe any aspect of our so called "shitty" lives, what would it be? Yours would probably be that your ass is too big, your vagina isn't fresh, your parents don't care about you, or you were molested at a truck stop by your "uncle" Mo in the bathroom labeled Molesters room.

You fuckers can kiss my ass. I was almost blown to shit by a bunch of flying gummi worms in space while a duck and a retarded ass dog yelled in my ear, making it bleed because I refused to use the lasers I didn't have enough munny for. I was attacked by a bunch of black people while all I had to protect myself was a huge fucking key, a few beers I bought from an old man in a store, and some stupid ass chain I found in an unlocked treasure chest that some douche bag decided to hide where everyone could see it. I had a dolphin-bitch yell at me because some squid-bitch took her tampons. I was attacked by some Mexican who went to sleep for a few minutes after I kicked his ass and when he awoke I kick his ass again just to finally shut a big fucking door. I also had my girlfriend drift away from me when she could have easily jumped over and then we could have made hot, sloppy, virginified sex while some duck and his retarded ass dog dry humped each other to our bodies as we humped to "Hikari" which ironically started playing while some big ass words rolled over me, taking my god damn screen time.

Oh and my best friend tried to kill me…multiple times.

So fuck you guys. This is how my story really went, so sit down and shut the fuck up.


	2. Chapter 1: The Dream

So here I was, dreaming away my afternoon when I was suddenly falling. At first, I was dreaming about plowing my girlfriend Kairi but then I started falling. All I could see was black, black, and more black. Then I gently landed on my feet like I had a clue as to what kind of trip I was on. I thought that it was that poupoo shit my mom's brother, Mo, gave me, but then I remembered that I hadn't eaten it in fear of passing out on his lap.

I looked below me and saw some fine as bitch dressed up like she was from a Disney movie or something.

"Don't be afraid," said a voice that sounded too much like Mark Wahlberg for my style.

I took a step forward and I saw something pop up above me with words and buttons to a PlayStation controller. I gave it the finger and kept walking forward until I came to the edge. I heard Marky-Mark's voice again telling me to choose a weapon.

I looked behind me and saw four pedestals. A sword, a shield, a staff, and a dildo each floated on one of the pedestals.

"The sword will give you strength," I heard Mark's voice tell me. "It will give you strength, but will most likely get you killed if you get into a gunfight."

I groaned, irritated with the overly long narrations.

"The staff will give you magic. It will give you magic, but can't help you in a gunfight either."

I nodded in agreement.

"The shield will protect you. It will defend you from gunshots, but you're fucked if you want to hurt someone."

Now, as I look back, I don't understand why anyone would want to fight with a shield instead of the sword. The staff with its blunt end could so some damage, not enough though; but a shield wouldn't do anything. The shield would've been as helpful as a riot shield against a juggernaut on Modern Warfare 3…yes, I knew about that game back in 2002, bitches.

"And the dildo will give you the ability…" There was a pause in Mark's narrations and then he started speaking in a normal tone. "Actually, I don't think the dildo really is meant for anything. Um…" His narration voice came back immediately; "The dildo will give you an everlasting erection that you can use to plow your girlfriend or slap some asshole in the face for staring at your oversized penis while screaming at him, 'Take it like a man…or woman! I don't quite know what you are!'."

I remained emotionless as I reached for the sword. I would've taken the dildo had I realized that the everlasting erection would make it impossible for me to fit into "thousand-zipper" clothes I stole from a Square Enix game that blowed. I think it had something to do with fantasies or something.

The sword disappeared and I fell again. I screamed, "Fuck me!" as I fell for an incredibly long time until I landed face first onto another hot bitch with huge tits.

When I had my bearings again I looked around and I noticed that the sword was still in my hand. Then some black creatures showed up in front of me and I groaned in annoyance at the randomness of my current encounter.

"It's like getting mugged in L.A. again! Black guys everywhere!" Except this time I was the one with the big ass shiv.

So I did the obvious thing that someone in my position would do (being that my position was that I was surrounded by a bunch of skinny black dudes that looked like they wanted to eat me alive).

I stabbed the shit out of each and everyone of those niggers as I had images of a mexican dude tell me that I'm not supposed to use language like that in fanfiction while my mind told his wetback ass to shut the fuck up and go mow my lawn like I paid him to do earlier!

"You know what! Fuck this shit and fuck you Mark Wahlberg! I want out of this shit right now!"

"Fuck you too, you white ass bitch! Here I am trying to get you fuckin' ready to fight through this game plus six more sequels and you're gonna yell at me! Fuck you man! Fuck you! Big Black Bob! Fuck him up!"

I looked at the ground where my shadow was and gasped as it started to grow out of the ground. I let out a squeak of horror as I dropped my sword. Big Black Bob was Big and black alright. I did see the irony of me being tossed around by a black dude after I just stabbed a bunch of them like I was Mexican.

Then I felt surrounded by something black and fluffy and strange and…black and the last thing I heard from Marky-Mark was, "See you in the sequel…bitch."


	3. Chapter 2: Destiny Island I

h I awoke feeling as though the everlasting boner was still with me…oh wait, I chose the sword. Oh well, it's still there. I sat up quickly and looked around the cliché starting beach, pretty sun, sand, everlasting erec…sorry, ocean, and a Hawaiian tossing his balls into Selphie the Slut with her leather whip that she likes to use on eager men like Tidus the Drowner.

I laid back down and immediately saw the cleavage of my girlfriend with her face in mine like a crazy stalker watching me sleep.

"Ah!" I jumped up immediately and turn around like I was in the doggy style position. This was the first time in this "amazing" story I do something homosexual. So I'm gonna say it right now; I'm not a fag.

"Oh, Sora, you lazy bum! I knew I'd find you snoozing out here! Why aren't you helping?"

"Shut the fuck up, ho! You gave us the idea but you haven't done shit. Me and Riku have moved trees to make this thing…"

She laughed slightly as though she thought I wasn't about to bitch slap her like Wakka would do to Selphie, and when Wakka hit Selphie, it wasn't to imitate but to procreate.

"Oh fine, I'll get up…" But right as I did I whispered, "Ho."

"I knew I was the only one working on the raft." My douche friend threw a log at me that I barely dodged.

"Dick!"

My douche friend, Riku, was in fact a true douche bag. Anymore of a douche bag then he could hold all the cum a whore like Selphie could hold in her massive vagina. He already had the cum of Tidus's wagina inside of him….yes….a wagina.

"I guess I should take a break, anyway," Riku said as though he was tired. He didn't do shit either (thanks to the crap I did with the raft, I still kick Riku's ass later).

"Come on, guys! Let's keep working on it." Kairi stood up straight and Riku sat down.

"Nah…"

"Shut up, ho."

"I'll race you," she said as though she didn't hear us.

Riku and I looked at her then ourselves.

"Ready! Go!"

I instinctively stood up with Riku and ran as fast as we could to the eastern side of the island. I looked back and saw Kairi laughing psychotically as though she were either about to murder us or rape us.

My eyes widened and I ran as fast I possibly could, feeling like I was about to die…

Three hours and a few level ups later, I brought a few logs, a rope, and a cloth back to Kairi, she gave me a beer with the name Potion and asked if I was ready to go home.

"Sure."

After everyone had left the island, Kairi, Riku, and I watched the sun set, not realizing that it was burning the image, quite literally, into the back of our minds.

"Do you ever think…"

I stopped Riku mid sentence.

"I'm not going through an emotional speech again…"

I walked back to my boat and rowed home saying, "Fuckin' cliches."


End file.
